I always suspected that I was a terrible wife, but this fantastic chart from the 1930s confirms it. A friend passed this along to me today and it was too good not to share. It’s written by a PhD and MD, so this is authoritative!
Let’s count the ways that I’m a terrible wife:
Fails to sew on buttons and darn socks regularly. I’ve never sewn a button. I’ve never darned a sock. I don’t even know what that means. Does it involve cursing at them?
Goes to bed with “much face cream.” Guilty. I have bad skin! What am I supposed to do!?
Puts her cold feet on husband at night to warm them. Well! Isn’t that what he’s here for?
Is a back seat driver. Hmm, I prefer to think of it as assisting.
Is suspicious and jealous. I blame this entirely on Lifetime Movie Network.
Can play a musical instrument, as piano, violin, etc. I can play “Hot Cross Buns” on the clarinet–does that count?
Dresses for breakfast. If by dress, they mean in the ratty Morrissey t-shirt I wear as pajamas, then YES!
Lets husband sleep late on Sunday and holidays. I let him sleep late, it’s the cats that don’t.
It’s not all bad news though! I don’t wear red nail polish, which is on the demerit side of the list. We all know that only tarts and harlots wear red nail polish! And I do find myself to be quite jolly, so there’s that too.
Lest you start feeling sorry for my husband for having such a failure as a wife, he’s not exactly living up to his part of the bargain either.
Reads newspaper at the table. ALWAYS.
Doesn’t phone when late for dinner. He calls to tell me when he’s on his way home. Which is usually way after dinner is done. I tell him the point of calling is to let me know he’s going to be late, not to call me as he’s on his way out when I already know he’s late. Sigh.
Gives wife ample allowance or turns paycheck over to her. Yeah, can we start doing this? I like the whole “turn paycheck over to wife” deal. The 1930s weren’t all bad!
Reads newspapers, books, or magazines aloud to wife. No, sadly, my husband has never read a newspaper aloud to me in all our years of marriage. Perhaps tonight I shall ask him to read Ziggy to me as we eat dinner? Oh wait, that’s right, no newspapers at the table…
On the plus side, he never tells me he regrets marrying me or praises his bachelor days. And he doesn’t criticize me in public, only in private. Because in private it’s okay! Just like the “staring or flirting with other women” thing–notice that it says when out with wife. So it’s absolutely fine for your husband to ogle other women, it just can’t be when you’re around. Which is totally fair, right?